From order to disorder
“We are all born free, bearing the germs of wholeness and health, and then life happens.” – James Hollis
So, we start off in life in a whole, integrated condition. We’re made ‘good’ and we’re in a state of order. We are loaded with potential; with a blueprint for being ‘man enough’. We are wired to become the type of men the world needs – each in his unique way, but all ‘good enough’.
The life happens. We’re born into a world where order did not prevail. All around us there is brokenness and disintegration in different shapes and forms. This is the “nurture” part of the nature/nurture factors influencing the formation of one’s being.
Perhaps you are born into a tumultuous era in history. You have parents who’s parenting is influenced by their own emotional wounds. Perhaps you only had one parent or parents who couldn’t parent. You have a position and role in your nuclear family. You might have experienced adverse childhood events, trauma, or various forms of emotional neglect. Loss. Bullying. Conflict. Abuse. Uncertainty. Intrusiveness. Danger. Insecurity. Abandonment. Shaming.
The boy sustains wounds. “There is no crossing this country without taking a wound.” An emotional wound is more painful that a physical wound. And it remains painful for much longer.
The boy mostly doesn’t know that his wounding is not his fault. He thinks that he somehow deserves this. He even resents himself for not being able to have prevented this or to cope with it. It hurts even more – a double punishment of wounding followed by self-reproach!
The big question mark starts hovering over his life: am I enough and do I belong? Life seems to prove otherwise, and the young boy cannot discern between where the real problem lies: in the world outside or inside himself? The fear of inadequacy and being defective takes control of his mind and heart. “Men’s lives are essentially driven by fear.” (James Hollis)
The big uncertainty sets in and the question festers in every boy’s heart: Am I okay, and will I be accepted in the world? These questions were supposed to be answered by a dad of dad-like figure who also had the same questions, but who experienced a healthy “initiation” of sorts and was equipped to guide the boy into his man-enough status. The ideal is far from the reality.
The boy needs to protect himself against the shame and getting hurt again. He also wants to prove to himself that he is indeed man enough. And so, every boy starts to develop his own way of achieving these goals: to protect and to prove. The boy puts on his armour. He unconsciously devises strategies (defense mechanisms) to cope with his shame and fear. These become vital to survive, to protect, to give identity and to belong.
These strategies fall in 3 categories: fight (overcompensate), flight (withdraw), and freeze (comply). Every man has his preferred way of coping with his wound. He becomes skilled in using his weapon of defense. In fact, he becomes so good at this that it becomes ingrained into his personality style. These strategies vary in their success to achieve the goals. Some fail and lead to more wounding. Some are so successful, and they serve you so well that it seems to heal the wound and answer the relentless question.
Sooner or later the strategy will either fail or backfire. For most men this starts to happen between their early 30’s to late 40’s. The weapons of defense either fail to protect you any longer or they do so much damage to the people around you that you start experiencing the pain of disconnect and isolation. The big uncertainty stirs yet again: am I enough? This can be experienced as depression and anxiety. The discomfort can be numbed by addictions and escapisms. Relationships start to suffer. “The unconsciousness of our trauma causes (men) to repeatedly wound themselves and (others) as well.” (James Hollis)
If the pain hasn’t yet alerted the man to self-awareness, these symptoms of strategy failure have the potential to do it! Here’s an invitation: to turn a blind eye and keep up the fight or to believe that something better awaits, but to get there you must be brave enough to trust the power of vulnerability.
Vulnerability. You need to put down your weapons one at a time. You must believe that raw honesty with yourself is the path to healing. It means that you must feel the wound and mourn it. It’s to have compassion for the boy that sustained wounds and to comfort him. It’s to hoist the white flag of surrender, calling an end to the civil war inside.
A new chapter starts. There is possibility for wholeness and a new order again. Below the layers of shame, anger, fear and hurt, the ‘good enough’ man is still there, waiting to be uncovered! It’s time to put the pieces together again and to integrate all of yourself, imperfections included, into a beautiful new whole.